Something to do before you start actually having an affair is to get a gym membership. There’s a few important things to consider, firstly it MUST be a 24/7 gym. This is crucial, and the main reason? The ability to have a shower after seeing your mistress.

Nothing arouses suspicion like the smell of sex. And it’s a potent smell, and all the more potent if you then fuss around and rush on home to your wife or husband.

I’ve got a membership at a Jetts 24 hour gym within 5 kilometres of my house (about 2 miles for you olde worlde imperialists types) and I’m there quite often. The reason being is it costs next to nothing. We’re talking $11.95 a week and I managed to get a free locker through excessive flirting and flattery with the young lady who manages it.

The great thing about a gym membership is that firstly, you can move your arse a bit and get into shape. And secondly, you can ‘miss’ the occasional evening workout and ‘workout’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) with your mistress.

I have a pretty fanatical schedule with my workouts. I usually hit the gym for 30 minutes before work 4 days a week, and I do an evening session on Sunday. When I want to schedule a date with someone who I’d like to make a mistress, that is, someone whom I’ve just met and taken a liking too, I’ll leave the house late and still do my workout (I’ll start work late), and then moan about how I missed my morning workout because I was running behind. 9 times out of 10, my wife will graciously allow me to go and do an evening workout to catch up.

This evening workout will consist of dinner with my mistress and a little bit of getting to know her to see if it could be a nice little short term lover. Then after a few weeks if we become lovers (it’s not always the workout excuse, obviously if I used that every week it’d be a bit suspicious wouldn’t it!) I can frantically go to the gym on the way home to shower away the smell of sex and change clothes.

Obviously the workout excuse is only something you can use on average about every 5 or 6 weeks. Any more frequent and you’ll draw suspicion. You need lots of believable excuses and the most important thing is the ability to be believable when you use them. That is a skill in itself that needs to be mastered.

Lately I’ve been spending more and more time out of town on business trips (legit ones, not just excuses) so I’ve been using the traveling man feature on my favourite website. I’m now the proud discrete owner of a mistress in Sydney and in Melbourne.

I’ll be delving more into excuses and how to groom your lover in the future, and very soon in the coming podcast series.