Always, I mean always wear a condom with your mistress. This should be incredibly obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. No matter what sort of wicked wretch your wife (or husband) may be, they don’t deserve the increased chance of a sexually transmitted disease. Plus, you don’t want to get them pregnant. That’s a whole host of traumatic joy waiting to unfold.

By always, I mean pretty much always. (Hypocrisy Alarm!) For oral sex I never worry about it, and yes before people email or comment I know that there’s a risk, but I believe it’s very low in comparison to the other delights of penetration.

So once the foreplay advances enough, slide one on. And think of me standing in the corner nodding approvingly and see if the romance disappears!