Well it’s one of those sticky subjects really. What can your lover possibly gain from having an affair with you? The risk of getting caught is always present, as is the risk of getting more emotionally attached than you bargained for, and knowing that they can never replace your spouse. It seems like there isn’t a lot of upside in being the lover, but I think it’s got subtle advantages over long term traditional relationships.

So here’s my half arsed guide entitled – How to be a good mistress (alternately: what’s in it for your lover?)

From the perspective of a female lover, the main thing you have to be aware of is that his family is always going to come first. Any problems in the family unit and you’re going to be very much in the shadows for a while, and usually at very short notice. The thing is, you’ll never be able to command the same level of attention vis a vis time spent with the married man as his family. Hell, maybe even less than his friends. What you will get is quality time, and focused time. You need to know before you have an affair with a married man that you’re a mistress, not a girlfriend. Many of the same activities will take place, and there’s obviously going to be some strong physical and mental connection between the two of you. So it can be a way to explore your sexuality without the stress and hang-ups of a full time boyfriend.

One thing you should never do is threaten your lover with a confrontation with his spouse. This will make you look like a complete bunny boiler, and you can basically kiss the arrangement goodbye. Most Smart men will lay down a careful campaign to destroy your credibility even before you have a chance to make good your threat, making you appear like a crazy stalker that has re-surfaced from his past work. (For guys, there’ll be more advice on how to do this in other posts and in the podcast when I can get the sodding thing on itunes).

Another thing you’ve got to avoid is trying to call the shots on when and where you meet. Let him dictate these terms, not for the sake of good old fashioned misogyny, but in order for him to establish his alibi and ensure that no one who knows him will be in the location you meet.

Pretty needy aren’t we. Sorry, but we’ve got a lot to lose, and we need to manage the risks in order to enjoy the rewards. And what are our rewards? Well, your company of course!